someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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