im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
