the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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