Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
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Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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