Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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