It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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