i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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