I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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