i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
