what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
