no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
