when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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