Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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