k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
don't judge my taste in strippers
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
