I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
