I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
