my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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