How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
