I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
