And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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