Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
