who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
