this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
