You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
