My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
