At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
