It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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