This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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