My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
