what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
