Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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