Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
