I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
