Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
