Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
