Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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