The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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