Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
