And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The power of my boobs compel you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
