That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
