I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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