my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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