apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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