I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
