yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
