im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When did angry sex become our thing?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
