Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
