every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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