The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
