Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
