So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
