Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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