took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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