Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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