Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
