I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
