so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
