do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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